Places to escape to from the ’stress’ of Kathmandu: Chobar and Kopan

The stress of Kathmandu? Yes, even while living a way more relaxed way of life here than in Hungary, it might happen that one (or me) get stressed, annoyed or a little mad. And no, it’s not because of the crowd, the dust, the crazy traffic, the unpredictability of what you are gonna experience or how people are gonna react – by the time you have been living here for almost 4 months, you get to love this craziness of the city and actually it even becomes hard to imagine how a ’simple’ life is gonna be getting home pretty soon, just in a month. It’s hard to imagine not to have to jump away from cars, see the cows lying down or crossing the street as well as it seems too simple to just to go to the supermarket and ’simply’ do the shopping without bargaining. No, this craziness of Kathmandu is what makes you fell in love with the city and Nepal.

But the paradox is that stress actually occurs, when you forget to adapt your expectations to the reality here: you forget for a second about their relaxed way of life with all its unpredictability – meaning that this is not a place to plan. It’s a place where weddings might be arranged in 5 days, where workshop dates might be fixed 2 days before the event and where it still might occur that eventually nobody is gonna show up. Due to the way of organization and the lack of planning... Which is OK, it’s ’normal’, no reason, to worry, to get annoyed or mad about it, right? Or maybe there is? Well, if you still forget to take off the glass of your European habits and expectations, then preparing for no reason can be stressful. At least it happened to me, thank to which on the other side I got to discover the area of Chobar.

So one day, when I felt that the cup is really full, I decided to escape to the hillside area bordering the city of Kathmandu, Chobar. Taking no phone, and no camera with me in this special case, I walked from our district of Sanepa to Chobar, just to climb up the hills to the small local villages on the top and walk down and around on the other side, just sitting down every now and then to let me realize where I really am, that I’m in the middle of an amazing landscape, in an amazing country where I should enjoy my last months instead of sticking to my ‘glasses’ brought from home. Well, this worked pretty well. It’s amazing that just after walking about one hour, you can find a place like this, where you can absolutely feel in another world, out of the city, away from your annoying thoughts, just in the middle of the nature.

Later I discovered another place with a pretty similar atmosphere where although at that time I had no particular reason for an escape but I felt the same kind of calmness just at the other edge of the city: in Kopan monastery. This monastery is situated about 45 minutes of walking distance from Boudanath which is by the way one of my favorite and most inspiring place in Kathmandu. After getting to the village of Kopan there’s a little hill to climb, on the top of which you will find a small Buddhist monastery. Besides the precious view and atmosphere, they also offer discussions and classes about Buddha Dharma. Unfortunately since the classes are in the morning (10am) I haven’t got a chance to attend them yet – so I guess this is going to be a nice reason to go back there somewhen pretty soon. Until then here are some pictures for you taken at Kopan monastery, enjoy them as much as I did being there! :)

A Not So Much Known Story of Bhutan

I think I can say it general that for many of us, living in our western world, Asia seems like a mystical place, fascinating and attracting with all its differences, preserved culture and traditions. This image – that is probably built by both our curiosity for the unknown and both the message that this world wants to send us – is of course half right. It’s truly an amazing world, with traditional dresses, rituals and festivals that are so much different from our European culture. But also, Asia has another side as well, that is less in the common knowledge and sometimes even hidden from the people living here, just because it doesn’t really fit into the image that is intended to be shown by Asia and also less preferred to be seen by the western world. – At least this was the main message for me of a documentary film about Bhutan screened at the City Museum of Kathmandu as a part of an event for the World Refugee Day (June 20 – 30).

So what do we know about Bhutan? Not so much... And if something then we have an image of a country that seems like living its medieval years: in the Kingdom of Bhutan, still up to know everybody is walking in their traditional dresses as if the western world has never stepped inside, the houses are all built in traditional style, not even allowed to be rebuilt or renovated in any different ways and people are smiling, enjoying their life and being happy all the time. And this image is true, but only half of the truth.

As so many of us, I didn’t have much more knowledge about Bhutan than the image described, before I went to see this documentary, titled ‘The Refugees of Shangri-la’ which was also followed by a discussion with the filmmaker, Doria Bramante. It was only at this time that I got to know that besides the image of the kingdom of happiness in the reality Bhutan also went through several problems. To understand what happened, we have to know that most of Bhutan’s population is originally not Bhutanese. First, there was a huge flee of people from Tibet (another place of conflicts and problems...) who coming from mountain areas also stayed in the upper land areas of Bhutan. Due to the low population, this way the flat land areas of the country remained deserted. It was this that led to a contract with Nepal, enabling free migration to Bhutan so that the people coming from Nepal could take care of the flat lands. This way in the 20^th century thousands of Nepalese migrated to Bhutan that seemed like a country of hope and happiness at that time. Problems only started in the ‘70s when Bhutan went through serious political crisis. During this – since they were feared to have a closer relationship with India – many restrictions were made to the Nepalese population in Bhutan: women had to cut their hair short, the use of Nepali language was banned and so on. In the following decades several violations were made to human rights: schools were burnt, women were raped, people were tortured in prison... Although there was a peaceful demonstration in the demand of human rights in 1990, it just made the situation worse: at this time about 1/6 of Bhutan’s excuses. Some were told ‘You are a terrorist, you have 10 days to leave the country’, to others, they said: ‘You stole all these cardamom’ – no matter with what excuse, but the political crisis resulted in a situation when about 107 000 people had to leave the country. When asking the police, where to go, they were just pointing to the west: ‘There, to Nepal’. So this is the story of how more than hundred thousand people ended up in the refugee camp of Shangri-la, not knowing at that time that they are going to spend the next 18 years there in the hope that one day they can return back to the place that even despite what had happened, they called home. The place, where they said they were happy and they could smile every day... To the ‘kingdom of happiness’ that due to the political situation pushed them and many of their relatives and friends out...

Although the UN Human Rights Council fought for several years for the rights of these people stuck in the refugee camp and finally not belonging anywhere, and conducted bilateral conversations between Nepal and Bhutan, it wasn’t possible in 18 years for them to return to Bhutan. Unfortunately, also the integration to Nepal wasn’t possible either. It was only in 2008 that third country agreements were made, enabling the settlement in countries like USA, Canada or Australia. For example between 2008 and 2013 about 75 000 people could go to America, at the same time leaving for the unknown an environment that has became something, almost like home in the last 18 years and also risking that they won’t even see their elder relatives stuck in the refugee camp ever again.

For me this story seems like a never ending series of double-sidedness: starting in a ‘kingdom of happiness’ that turns out to suffer from serious political problems, this kingdom sending away its Nepalese inhabitants who were already born there and considering Bhutan as their homeland, these people, stuck between past and future, the refugee camp where they build a life while continuously hoping leaving it and their departure to a new life where they can finally legally belong the a country and have their own identity, embraced in a life and culture that could not be more different from the one they have originally come from at the same time also leaving some of their most important relationships and connections to their past behind...

Well, together with all its double-sidedness, this is still a real story, a story that is not finished since there are still many of these Bhutanese stuck in the refugee camp while there are still the others already landed in another country and trying to find their place in their new life and the way to preserve themselves and their culture at the same time. A real life story with no end...

I’m thankful for the film and to the filmmakers that were present, too, for sharing this story with us and showing this version of reality. I recommend the film to anybody who is interested in life-stories of people and who is open not only the simplified images, but also to the double-sidedness of our world.

'Love Story' in Nepal in 2014

‘Once upon a time, in the far Nepal, there was a boy and a girl, let’s call them a prince and a princess. They were young, the prince handsome, the princess beautiful, kind and gentle both of them. They were living their life getting their degrees in the capital. They liked each other a lot, more and more day by day, looking at each other with secretive smile, laughing and playing sometimes. Although luckily coming from the same cast, planning a future was not an option yet.

Time passed like that until one day the prince announced: ‘I have shocking news. She is getting married. No, not with me. Her family chose the husband, the wedding will take place within a month...’ After moments of silence, he added: ‘Yes, I’m feeling sad, but this is normal. This is how things happen here. It’s normal, we just have to accept.’

And it was true: within a month the girl was standing in her village dressed beautiful as a real princess, but shaking with trembling legs, looking at the floor and scared from the moment when she was going to see for the first time her mate for the rest of her life.

Meanwhile our prince also left the capital, going to live and work and start a new life in the countryside.

They did their best to live happily ever after but their situation was a little bit harder than in western fairy tales.’

I’m sorry, it is not my style to write a story like this, but this is reality and the truth is that I cannot see any happy ending here… All I can see is that here is something that is happening in the 21st century, but you feel like in it as if we were decades back, with no consideration of human rights, of the right to make own decisions about one’s life or to bring free choices…

And I’m writing all this while of course I had knowledge about it that arranged marriage still exists at some parts of the world and also, I’m saying this after having been living in Nepal for more than three month now, and experienced some of the culture and the traditions here. But it’s one thing to hear about all this and it’s another thing when it’s happening to people that you know, people who are your friends. And yes, the word ‘happening’ describes the truth perfectly: It is something that is completely out of the control of those, who are involved in it.

But to understand it a bit better, let’s look at what happened exactly:

As you could guess this is the story of our friends and it’s a good example of the mystery and chaos of the relationships in this world. One day, our friend, the prince announced that the girl, who they were almost dating with, was getting married very soon. After the first shock, we almost forgot about the whole story, until one Thursday, we got a phonecall from the girl saying that she was getting married on next Monday (!!!) at her village at the other side of Nepal (!!!) and we were supposed to wear saree (!!!). So this finally meant double challenges: buying a saree and getting it sewed at the tailor for us in time, and then getting in time to the other side of the world. Well, the challenges were completed – after buying about the third saree that we tried on and taking a 7-hour-long bus, staying for overnight just to take another 3,5-hour-long bus next morning at 5am, to be picked up by the girl’s brothers and take another 1,5-hour-long walking trip, we finally arrived to the marriage together with our saree just in time.

First, we found our friend in a tiny, dark room, together with all the women, preparing her make-up and dressing her in beautiful saree. We were also served tasty buff milk and cell roti while the other women also helped us to dress our saree – no problem until this time: beautiful bride, beautiful women getting ready for a ceremony.

Even though she was really scared and sad... It was only later that we fully understood why. We got to know that this was the very first time she was going to meet her husband, she told us she didn’t even know how he looked like, she only knew that on that they she had to leave her family and go to live with this unknown man in an even further village.

After the long waiting in the small room and getting ready for the unknown, the bride was taken outside (where meanwhile, being in the monsoon season, it was heavily raining) for the first part of the ceremony: where different foods were sacrificed, the elders were reading scripts and blessings were given to the bride. Then she was taken to small room again. Later the groom, who came for the bride with the family, emerged, too and several more rituals took place: the girl was taken to the groom, they were walking around each other pouring some water around, they were given tikka, later they were approached by several relatives who washed their feet, drank the same water, put tikka on them again and gave money in envelops... During all the rituals the girl was taken back to the small room several times – she was sharing food there with all the women crowded in the room, while the men were eating outside... But what was speaking a lot more than all the rituals and events was the faces and reactions of the people: The bride crying, the sisters as well... The groom laughing at the same time, not even caring for a moment to look at her future wife who is sitting by him, shaking... No dance, hardly any music... No smiles, no nothing... It was only then that we really started to understand what it was all about: it was all a deal. Just a deal between the families.  And it was done: the girl was sold out. From that day, she was going to live with a man, who is a stranger, and with his family – even more strangers, trying to please them in every way in the hope of this way being accepted. Meanwhile she is losing her family and going to belong to another one. Against her will and choice... Not an easy situation, even being there and associating to all this wasn’t easy.

But don’t think that this kind of arranged marriage is a rare case. Did you know that in Nepal, still now more than 90% of the marriage is arranged by the family??? Some of them are a bit luckier and at least know the one chosen by the family. Some only meet a few days before and are given the chance to accept or not. At least in theory. But some are not this fortunate, like our princess. But either way, they are all the victim of the same system, the deeply rooted traditions and the beliefs that arranged marriages last longer than love marriages.

So where are free decisions of the 21^st century and the changing Nepal? Well, they say that they have the right to say no to the family’s choice. But do they really have this option? I don’t really see that. Because this is all about the respect to your family: if you have respect, you accept their choice. That’s it. Also, true, you can refuse their choice, but most of the time with this decision you are also risking losing your family as well. So the truth is that even despite the loosening of the cultural rules, as well as the government’s attempts to encourage inter-cast marriage by providing funds for those marrying from lower cast, the roots of the reality are somewhere way deeper, somewhere built in the stories of the mothers and the grandmothers who lived through exactly the same process, finally finding it ‘normal’.

I know that it is very dangerous to call something normal and abnormal, especially coming from a different background and different culture. I consider myself to be someone respecting and adapting to different cultures, and you know even until a week ago I could cognitively explain the advantages of arranged marriage as well: I would say that in contrast with our western world where the variety of choices make you feel that nothing is good enough and satisfactory, here this system teaches you how to be committed to somebody and how to adapt to different situations.  

But the truth is that after living through this experience, the smile-less marriage where the eyes were talking the most, I cannot take off the glass of my cultural background that says that the way I feel about this system right now and the cramp in my stomach is right. I can only hope that the people involved will truly learn to enjoy some of the moments of the situation and the life created for them by others and I also hope that someday the wind of change in the relationships will come to Nepal, too.